“Ya Wanna Do It Here Or Down The Station, Punk?” Ruth Downie

Yep, it’s rubber-hose time, folks: a rapid-fire Q&A for those shifty-looking usual suspects ...

What crime novel would you most like to have written?
Right now, Jasper Fforde’s THE EYRE AFFAIR. Especially the part where the bookworms go wild and splatter the dialogue with apostrophes.

What fictional character would you most like to have been?
Is it too weird to say Mark Watney from The Martian? Only if someone could promise it would all work out in the end, obviously. But he’s incredibly clever and resourceful, which would be a welcome change from real life.

Who do you read for guilty pleasures?
OK, I confess – I’m currently reading the first Poldark.

Most satisfying writing moment?
The moment when, after staring in horror at a huge plot hole, you find something earlier in the book that could be used to plug it.

If you could recommend one Irish crime novel, what would it be?
Stuart Neville’s THE TWELVE / THE GHOSTS OF BELFAST.

What Irish crime novel would make a great movie?
As I was saying just now … (it isn’t a movie and I’ve missed it, is it?)

Worst / best thing about being a writer?
Worst – having to climb the mountain of self-doubt every day. Best – being able to do it in your slippers.

The pitch for your next book is …?
What if the friend you’re trying to rescue really did murder his wife?

Who are you reading right now?
Winston Graham. (You only asked that so I’d have to admit to Poldark again, didn’t you?) That’s the bedtime book. The current audiobook is Mark Billingham’s THE BURNING GIRL, and the bath book is a children’s story by SJA Turney and Dave Slaney called CROCODILE LEGION.

God appears and says you can only write OR read. Which would it be?
Read. That’s where it all begins.

The three best words to describe your own writing are …?
Better After Editing.

Ruth Downie’s VITA BREVIS is published by Bloomsbury.

Snoop Piggy Pigg; and Stona Fitch

The universe and / or the interweb works in mysterious ways. I was writing up Bob ‘No Relation’ Burke’s debut offering, THE THIRD PIG DETECTIVE AGENCY, which has the blurb elves wibbling thusly:

A rather silly detective story in the spirit of Jasper Fforde. Harry Pigg, the only surviving brother from the Big Bad Wolf attacks, has set up business as a private detective in Grimmtown, only things aren’t going too well. Down on his luck, with bills to pay and no clients in sight, the outlook is poor. But then in walks local businessman Aladdin who needs someone to help him track down an old lamp. What follows is a case of nursery rhyme noir. Funny, thrilling and always entertaining, Harry Pigg is an old breed of hero for a new generation. It’s as if Humphrey Bogart or James Cagney had walked into the middle of a bedtime story. A comedy caper for all ages. The first in a major new series.

  With the post written and ready to upload, I logged on to the web to upload it. Dropping by Twitter before heading for Crime Always Pays, I found Allan Guthrie tweeting about Stona Fitch. I’d been talking with Allan earlier today, and he’d mentioned Stona Fitch, so I clicked through to Me and My Big Mouth, where Scott Pack was describing Stona (love that name) as “ a shining beacon of fucking brilliance in an increasingly conservative and scared publishing industry.” An excerpt from the interview runs like this:

SP: What sort of reaction have you been getting from other writers and publishers? I’m assuming a mixture of admiration and fear.
SF: “The response has been overwhelmingly positive from readers, writers, bookstore owners, publishing gurus, and even traditional publishers. Concord Free Press has been called a grand experiment in subversive altruism, the Robin Hood publishing model, and (our favourite) generosity-based publishing. We’re simply exploring new, innovative ways to think about books and connecting with readers, not trying to figure out what’s wrong with publishing. That’s beyond our scope.”

  Terrific stuff, and I want to donate a book to Stona Fitch. Clickety-click here, and so will you …
  Anyway, just as I was about to leave Me and My Big Mouth, I noticed he had Bob Burke’s THE THIRD PIG DETECTIVE AGENCY in his sidebar. Quoth Scott: “Three pages in and they’d already laughed about a dozen times. I think we are on to a winner here.”
  Coincidence? Fate? Spooky action at a distance? YOU decide …
  Meanwhile, here’s the ‘literal’ version of Bonnie Tyler’s immortal Total Eclipse of the Heart, which was written, of course, by the immortal Jim Steinman. Roll it there, Collette …

“Ya Wanna Do It Here Or Down The Station, Punk?”: Rob Kitchin

Yep, it’s rubber-hose time, folks: a rapid-fire Q&A for those shifty-looking usual suspects ...

What crime novel would you most like to have written?
LA CONFIDENTIAL by James Ellroy (tight, tense and multi-layered) or THE BIG OVER EASY by Jasper Fforde (the intertextuality is very clever and the story has great imagination and humour).

What fictional character would you most like to have been?
There are loads of great characters out there, but I’m particularly partial to Bernie Gunther, Jack Irish, Harry Bosch and Frost (the novel character rather than the pale TV version) but I’m not sure I would like to be them! I think being Serge A. Storms from Tim Dorsey’s Florida crime capers would be interesting.

Who do you read for guilty pleasures?
I’m very partial to Tart Noir – which I’ve heard referred to, more than a little unfairly, as chick lit on steroids. Anything by Katy Munger, Lauren Henderson, Janet Evanovich, Jessica Speart, and co.

Most satisfying writing moment?
When a passage just unfolds in one graceful arc and needs practically no editing save typos.

The best Irish crime novel is …?
DIVORCING JACK by Colin Bateman. I don’t know how many people I’ve lent that book to, but whoever the last person was, can I have it back?

What Irish crime novel would make a great movie?
I can imagine EVERY DEAD THING by John Connolly on the silver screen. I’m a little indifferent to the book, but I’m sure someone must be considering putting Benjamin Black’s (John Banville’s) CHRISTINE FALLS to celluloid – historical piece, social mobility, family rivalry, Catholic Church, scandal, etc. I think Gene Kerrigan’s THE MIDNIGHT CHOIR would translate well to a TV drama.

Worst / best thing about being a writer?
The worst is rejection letters! I have two best things – you get to find out the ending before anyone else, and when someone tells you they enjoyed reading something you’ve written.

The pitch for your next book is …?
Title: ‘The White Gallows.’ Tag line: ‘The past never dies …’ The pitch: ‘In post-Celtic Tiger Ireland the murder rate is soaring and the gardai are struggling to cope with gangland wars, domestic disputes, and drunken brawls that spiral into fatal violence. To add to Detective Superintendent’s Colm McEvoy’s workload are the suspicious deaths of two immigrants – an anonymous, Lithuanian youth and an elderly, German billionaire. While one remains an enigma, the murky history of the other is slowly revealed. But where there is money there is power and, as McEvoy soon learns, if you swim amongst sharks, you’d better act like a shark …’

Who are you reading right now?
I have a habit of reading more than one thing at a time. At the moment I’m just finishing James Lee Burke’s CADIALLAC JUKEBOX. I’m also halfway through Uki Goni’s THE REAL ODESSA about the wartime links between Argentina and Nazi Germany and the subsequent flight of Nazi war criminals south across the Atlantic.

God appears and says you can only write OR read. Which would it be?
Can one edit instead?

The three best words to describe your own writing are …?
Up for discussion …

Rob Kitchin’s debut novel THE RULE BOOK is published on May 26th.