DON’T BLINKThis article first appeared in the Evening Herald.
by James Patterson and Some Typist
OHMIGOD! I can’t believe the Janjaweed are trying to kill me in Darfur! Boom!!!
Whew, that was a bit too close for a magazine journalist who once nearly won a Pulitzer. Back in boring old NY, now.
FYI, my gorgeous editor and BFF Courtney is engaged to Richard, the richest man in NY. She’s blonde. He’s evil.
Oh no! There I was having lunch in boring NY with a mysterious baseball player, and a Mafia lawyer gets his eyes gouged out at the next table!
Lucky I had my tape recorder running, eh? Pulitzer prize, here I come!
By the way, I’m in love with Courtney. Sob.
Like, NO WAY! Someone killed the mysterious baseball player!
Am I next?
Police protection, Chief? I don’t need no stinkin’ police protection! I nearly won the Pulitzer once. The TRUTH will protect me!
Sorry, just fell down the stairs a bit there.
OHMIGOD! I can’t believe Richard did the dirt on Courtney!
Did I mention my niece? The feisty blind 14-year-old? No? Well, she LOVES baseball. And she’s soooooooo brave. We could all learn a thing or two from --
Oh no! I’ve been kidnapped by dastardly Mafia types! Am I about to … DIE?!!
Golly-gosh, that was a lucky escape.
Jings! Someone blew up my car!!!
Phew! Guess I’ll just amble on out to the ’burbs where my sister lives with my feisty blind 14-year-old niece. They’ll never find me there.
Well, who’d a thunk it? Bad people. In the ’burbs. Run away!!!
Oh well, back to NY. Courtney needs me to pick up the shattered pieces of her blonde heart.
Boom! Kablooey! Rat-a-tat-a-tat!!!
Bish-bash-bosh. And, indeed, more bosh. The End.
The Digested Read, Digested: Blink and you’ll … Oh.
“Burke shows again that he’s not just a comic genius, but also a fine dramatic writer and storyteller.” – Booklist. “Prose both scabrous and poetic.” – Publishers Weekly. “Proust meets Chandler over a pint of Guinness.” – Spectator. “Among the most memorable books of the year, of any genre.” – Sunday Times. “A hardboiled delight.” – Guardian. “Imagine Donald Westlake and Richard Stark collaborating on a screwball noir.” – Kirkus Reviews. “A cross between Raymond Chandler and Flann O’Brien.” – John Banville.
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
The Digested Read: DON’T BLINK by James Patterson
Being the latest in the 300-word chuckle-fest digests, regurgitated by yours truly. This week: DON’T BLINK by James Patterson. To wit: