“Prose both scabrous and poetic.” – Publishers Weekly. “Proust meets Chandler over a pint of Guinness.” – Spectator. “A sheer pleasure.” – Tana French. “Among the most memorable books of the year, of any genre.” – Sunday Times. “A hardboiled delight.” – Guardian. “Imagine Donald Westlake and Richard Stark collaborating on a screwball noir.” – Kirkus Reviews. “A cross between Raymond Chandler and Flann O’Brien.” – John Banville. “The effortless cool of Elmore Leonard at his peak.” – Ray Banks. “A fine writer at the top of his game.” – Lee Child.

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

The Digested Read: DON’T BLINK by James Patterson

Being the latest in the 300-word chuckle-fest digests, regurgitated by yours truly. This week: DON’T BLINK by James Patterson. To wit:
DON’T BLINK
by James Patterson and Some Typist


Chapter 1
OHMIGOD! I can’t believe the Janjaweed are trying to kill me in Darfur! Boom!!!

Chapter 2
Whew, that was a bit too close for a magazine journalist who once nearly won a Pulitzer. Back in boring old NY, now.

Chapter 19
FYI, my gorgeous editor and BFF Courtney is engaged to Richard, the richest man in NY. She’s blonde. He’s evil.

Chapter 24
Oh no! There I was having lunch in boring NY with a mysterious baseball player, and a Mafia lawyer gets his eyes gouged out at the next table!

Chapter 35
Lucky I had my tape recorder running, eh? Pulitzer prize, here I come!

Chapter 46
By the way, I’m in love with Courtney. Sob.

Chapter 49
Like, NO WAY! Someone killed the mysterious baseball player!

Chapter 58
Am I next?

Chapter 109
Police protection, Chief? I don’t need no stinkin’ police protection! I nearly won the Pulitzer once. The TRUTH will protect me!

Chapter 1002
CRASH! BANG!

Chapter 1003
WALLOP!!!

Chapter 1004
Sorry, just fell down the stairs a bit there.

Chapter 1309
OHMIGOD! I can’t believe Richard did the dirt on Courtney!

Chapter 1457
Did I mention my niece? The feisty blind 14-year-old? No? Well, she LOVES baseball. And she’s soooooooo brave. We could all learn a thing or two from --

Chapter 90210
Oh no! I’ve been kidnapped by dastardly Mafia types! Am I about to … DIE?!!

Chapter 200,001
Golly-gosh, that was a lucky escape.

Chapter 451,357
Jings! Someone blew up my car!!!

Chapter 1,000,004
Phew! Guess I’ll just amble on out to the ’burbs where my sister lives with my feisty blind 14-year-old niece. They’ll never find me there.

Chapter 1,000,005
Well, who’d a thunk it? Bad people. In the ’burbs. Run away!!!

Chapter 4,00,098
Oh well, back to NY. Courtney needs me to pick up the shattered pieces of her blonde heart.

Chapter 9,234,343
Boom! Kablooey! Rat-a-tat-a-tat!!!

Chapter 11,345983
Bish-bash-bosh. And, indeed, more bosh. The End.

The Digested Read, Digested: Blink and you’ll … Oh.
  This article first appeared in the Evening Herald.

12 comments:

Anonymous said...

* applaudes!*

Arlene

Declan Burke said...

*bows humbly*

Dec

adrian said...

classic Patterson.

seana said...

It's interesting how a shortish James Patterson digested ends up longer than a longish James Ellroy digested.

I suppose it has something to do with JPs cunning reengineering of the idea 'chapters'.

Dorte H said...

Finally I have found the perfect way to access James Paterson´s amazing literary production!

Thank you.

Maxine said...

Brilliant!!! love it. (especially the 'some typist', but all of it)

Mack said...

Thanks for taking one for the team Dec by actually reading it to provide the digested version. We are all indebted to you.

Glenna said...

Brilliant. Love the chapter numbers!! Thanks for saving me from having to read it.

kathy d. said...

Excellent! Patterson to a "t." And you took the medicine by reading the book, which is far better than I can do, as I can't open his books, more or less read them through.

Very funny.

bookwitch said...

Thank you for reading it so I won't have to. Did you skip a few chapters, maybe?

kathy d. said...

I once said that I wouldn't read a book by Patterson unless I was on a desert island and his were the only books available.

Someone humorously responded that since his books are everywhere, they probably would be on said desert island.

Mike Cane said...

BEST REVIEW **EVAR**!!